food letters

We evolved to consume the edibles around us, and sometimes, as a consumer of edibles, we have to write letters about what we’ve consumed.  For your reading pleasure are two letters I’ve written to Grassington’s and Bragg’s regarding my thoughts.  (In case you think I’m paid to write these letters or receive free food for my trouble, I’m not and I don’t; I just like writing letters!)

My email to Bragg’s about their charcoal biscuits:

To Whom It May Concern,

I write in relation to your Charcoal Biscuits, which I have recently discovered and enjoy quite a lot.

The first batch I tried were perfect.  I don’t have the batch number available but they were the kind you made in the shape of large discs, not the flower-shaped ones you’ve started manufacturing.  The disc ones have a nice crunch when bitten and this crisp, clean taste as well.  Batch No 08512, however, seem too soft – no crunch at all! – and the portions are too small for my liking.  You are probably making them smaller so we eat more biscuits and thus buy more biscuits, but the large disc size is easier to consume as it matched the size of cheese slices, especially if you tend to cut them into rectangles, not into squares.

Please revert to the original disc-shaped biscuits.  I don’t enjoy flower-shaped biscuits, and I’m sure your male clientele don’t enjoy them much either (not that I’ve seen many men buying charcoal biscuits, but this might be the reason why I haven’t?)

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours Faithfully,

XXXX X XXX

My email to Grassington’s about their bean burgers:

Dear Grassington’s,

I write on this rare occasion to compliment the excellence of your bean burgers.  I am not a vegetarian by any means, but I do know a good burger when I taste one and this bean burger made by you is by far the best I have ever tasted.I won’t go on about the details too much as I am sure you are well aware of what is in them and why the bean burger achieves the excellence that it does.  However, I will say that eating these bean burgers makes me think I will actually survive Lent next year, should I decide to give up meat and have to subsist on vegetables, etc.

Anyway, just one thing about the bean burger which isn’t 100%: they are still a bit “floppy”, despite the recommended cooking times, and the red and green peppers aren’t as “crunchy” as you say they are (that was really two things, wasn’t it?)

All the best to your chefs and may you never change the recipe!

Yours Faithfully,

XXXX X XXXX

And Grassington’s email back:

Good afternoon,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your feedback on our products.  We appreciate all the customer feedback, as it helps us to understand how our products are performing, and it is always nice to hear that our products have been enjoyed.

Your comments have been circulated to our production team, as it is always nice for them to know their efforts are appreciated.  In addition, our process development team are currently working on improvements to the recipe of this product, in order to rectify the problems which you noted, and your comments have been passed onto them to help with their work.

I hope you continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Regards,

XXXX XXXXX

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